I know, I know. This is my first post of 2010 and I'm going to post about something completely superficial that has no real impact on our lives. I should be posting about Haiti, or my hopes for the year, or how I'm going to lose the 40 pounds that make me mutter F*(&! every time I get on the scale, or how I'm going to be the best Mom I can be. Screw it.
Let the fun begin bitches!!
one of my favorite blogs referred to this years Golden Globes as "the worst Red Carpet Ever". I say nay. As red carpets go, this years Golden Globes had everything a heart could desire in a red carpet, a healthy dose of gorgeous-ness, the delighted shock one feels when a regular Hollywood fashion train wreck nails it, and the smug satisfaction of knowing that despite personal trainers, stylists, airbrushed makeup, and surgical enhancements these bimbos still can't get it right.
We might as well begin with fellow Long Island native Mariah Carey. Jesus. Ridiculous implants and ridiculous overload on the self tanner (more about this later). Ironically from the neck up she looks fantastic.
Drew Barrymore. Hmmmm. Too washed out, ill fitting. I mean really people, what-the-hell is going on under her arm? If the Countess ever ventured out in public looking that way, heads would roll. But I've got a theory on what those what-the-hell's on her dress might be..
A boot scraper a la
this
(which in use would provide some truly memorable photo ops at the after party.)
Courtney Cox. The bod is fab. The dress is meh. But the fact that she is turning into snake right before our very eyes earns a mention. Soon her ears will twitch every time she blinks.
Jennifer Garner. Much was made of her massive weight loss. A skinny actress in LA, no! You wanna see skinny? Go take a gander at Calista Flockhart on Brothers and Sisters. Now that's skinny.
...and she should have borrowed some self tanner from Mariah.
Sandra Bullock. Love the color. Definitely stolen from the set of
Avatar.
In the nailed it category.
Maggie Gyllenhaal. She looked like the Goddess of Origami. Look at the poor turd behind her, he looks all of 4'7".
Reese Witherspoon. Beyond nailed it. Who wouldn't want to look like this?
Toni Colette. Looking fan-flippin-tastic while not trying to look 23.
Meanwhile, back on the fashion crazy train.
Kate Hudson. I didn't know the prostitutes from
Cat House were renting out their costumes.
Fergie. Put down the self tanner. Repeat. PUT DOWN THE SELF TANNER.
Chloe Sevigny. The High Priestess of fashion crazy. I mean look at this expertly constructed bit-o-crazy. Love it. Shrieked with delight.
Christina Hendricks. I cannot be the only one who thought she got busy in the limo on the way to the show. The body, the bedroom hair, the pale-on-pale skin and dress. She's a modern day Varga girl and SHE MUST DIE!!
But sadly ladies, despite all your best efforts to look fantastic, which some of you surely did, you didn't know this was going to show up.....
and wipe the floor with all of you. Sweet Mother of Spectacular.
Ahhh, now I can return to my life.
